PARENTING ISSUES
PARENTING ISSUES
Parenting is the most important job you will ever do. A job which, as so succinctly stated by the American Psychological Association, includes three primary functions:
- To ensure the health and safety of your child
- To prepare your child for his or her role as a productive adult and
- To transmit the cultural norms of values of our society
The parent-child relationship that you create through healthy parening techniques is critical for your child's development. Your roles and responsibilities are immense and can seem overwhelming at times, however, you are not alone—it is our honor to accompany you on this journey.
Parenting styles are diverse. What works well for your family and your child may not work well for another and is often predicated on how you and your spouse were parented. We know from research that there are four different parenting styles. This following is the Baumrind Parenting Styles model:
- Authoritarian: This parent is a disciplinarian and as such, punishment is common. Communication is from parent to child; rules are not explained but expected to be accepted by the child. There is less flexibility and nurturing given.
- Permissive or Indulgent: This parent is the opposite of authoritarian and acts more like a friend than a parent with limited guidance and direction, opting rather to let the child set their own limits. There are little to no rules with more nurturing than less. Expectations are minimal.
- Uninvolved: The uninvolved parent doesn't utilize a discipline style, opting rather to give the child free reign to do whatever they want. Some parents who engage in this style do it intentionally, some have a lack of caring or skill in parenting. There is little nurturing and few expectations.
- Authoritative: This parent disciplines in a clear and direct way with explanations and care in a way the child will understand. Nurturing with high, but explained expectations, this parent allows the goals of the child to be considered.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
I feel like we're so inconsistent with our parenting "style"; not only in the circumstances we're facing but also from kid to kid and between the two of us as well. This can't be good. Can you help?
Yes. As you're sensing, consistency in your parenting style is critical. The reason for that is because for children, consistency equals safety. They learn by internalizing, rehearsing and repeating certain behaviors so the more consistent you are when you react to these behaviors, the more confident they will be in knowing what to expect of you. This safety leads to great security in understanding how the world works and responds to them and will lead to better decision making on their behalf.
My mother-in-law says I don't set boundaries for the kids, but I have to say, I have no idea what she means. I've heard the word, but I don't know how to apply it in my "real life". How do I do this if I'm not really sure what boundaries are?
We can absolutely help you better understand and apply parental boundaries with your kids. It's important first, to define what boundaries are and we all have (or should have!) them personally. Our personal boundaries are those limits or rules that we have in our connection to others that help us feel safe. They define for us, how others should behave towards us and how we'll respond when others push those boundaries. In parenting, it's the same: There are ways in which you want your child to behave and interact with you that make you feel respected. This is the self-care that each of us have for ourselves and is critical to our own well-being as it will be to your child, both now and in the future. Consistency is important here too: As he's learning to respect your boundaries as a parent, he's also learning that his own boundaries are under his control to determine for his self-care.
My child's teacher talked briefly about the "natural logical consequences" all children face. I believe I understand but can you explain it a bit more?
Yes. Natural logical consequences are basically the consequences to our behaviors that occur naturally (as one would imagine) and are not planned or controlled.
For instance, behavior in general has a basic format: A-B-C in which the "A" stands for antecedent, the "B" stands for "behavior" and the "C" stands for consequence. If a child say, acts like a bully and as a result, no one likes to play with him, that's a natural consequence to the bullying. This helps him understand that his behavior isn't getting him the results he wants so he can fix them in the future.
How can I become more emotionally "present"? I feel sometimes as if I'm just going through the motions and listening, but really, not. Is there a way I can fix this?
Yes. If you are emotionally not "there", it's a mistake to believe that your child doesn't notice that and important to take steps to become more present. There are ways you can do this like providing a space where your child feels safe (and this relates also to the consistency in your response to their behavior above), to listen fully and completely by learning active listening skills and to be honest about your own emotions.
I've yelled at my child and feel awful. Yet, I feel apologizing makes me look weak. How can I get around this without usurpting my own authority?
It's a strength rather than a weakness to apologize when we've hurt someone's feelings or acted unkindly, even (or even especially) with our child. We have the mistaken impression that to apologize no longer means we're "in charge."
As a parent, you'll feel frustrating and exhausted and just plain "over it" sometimes and that's OK. You're human. But there are some things you can do to help the next time you feel like you should apologize for something you've said or done.
Owning your feelings and taking responsibility for them is important. You don't want your children to emulate inappropriate behavior. Then, explain to them what happened that caused you to act that way, i.e., "I yelled because I hit my head on the cabinet door that was left open." Not to place blame but as a means of explaining your reaction.
Next, explain how it was inappropriate to have this reaction and recognize that you caused them to feel hurt or scared. A simple "Can you forgive me?" means alot.
HOW WE CAN HELP
We understand the journey that is "parenthood"! As you watch your child transition through their developmental stages: Infant to toddler, through their school years and on to young adulthood your job never ends, but the rewards are immense. Along with the physical and emotional changes are psychosocial changes that take place.
We provide understanding and insight into these impactful transitional stages to help make them easier for your entire family.
HOW TO GET STARTED
Please give us a call today at (217) 345-4642 or contact us via the form below so that see how we can best be of help. We look forward to hearing from you.